Parents, where do we start when talking to children about violence against women?
Being a parent today, especially in a world increasingly shaped by social media algorithms and the influence of 'manosphere' figures on young people, can feel daunting. The world is tough for young people today, as they are constantly bombarded with conflicting messages, online pressures, and harmful influences from social media platforms, making it even harder for parents to guide them through these complexities.
Anna, a mum of two boys, a White Ribbon Champion and our guest contributor, has navigated these tough conversations with her children. Below, she shares her advice on how parents can approach these important discussions in a way that is honest, supportive and informative.
By Anna Fawcett
Children don’t come with a guidebook. Nothing can induce more toe-curling fear into a parent than when a child or young person asks a question to which you truly have no idea how to respond.
“Why did he kill the woman, Daddy?” (after hearing a brief news headline in the car)
“Mummy, why don’t you run when it’s dark?” (when an older child notices that their parents have different behaviours because of safety concerns)
Perhaps your child has already noticed that men and women have different experiences in life. The questions they ask you are important, but the answers you give are more important.
We often remember long into adulthood the answers to similar questions we asked our own parents. But how do you talk to children about awful things? Here are some of the places you might like to start:
Start with the truth
Being honest is the best place to start. Consider the level of detail that you give to children, or word it in ways that will make it easier for them to grasp some of the issues.
For the question above, you could explain that some men hurt women, and that we know that is wrong. You could talk about how we show people we love them and care about them, and that when we disagree there are healthy ways of communicating that. You might want to talk about how anger makes us feel, or if the child seems worried that they might hurt someone one day, reassure them by giving examples of kindness they have shown and how you will help them as they get older. Lots of young boys worry about growing up to be a violent man, this provides a chance to talk about what positive male behaviours are.
The really difficult questions
With teenagers and older children, questions might be more specific and you might be tempted to challenge more pointedly. An example might be that a child uses some of the language they have heard classmates use, perhaps things such as ‘she was asking for it’ or ‘girls are bossy and hard work’. The very easy trap to fall into is to show a strong aversion or distaste, ‘Where have you heard that? Why did you say that? That’s a terrible thing to say’. But instead, if you question by asking, ‘why do you think girls are bossy?’ ‘What does ‘asking for it’ mean?’ And adding that you want to talk about it, this might make for a much more constructive conversation through which you can navigate gender stereotypes and provide your child with the tools to critically analyse what they are hearing.
“I saw this thing online”
If you can, try to protect younger children from harmful online content for as long as possible, this is the ideal but not always practical for some families. Campaigns such as Smartphone Free Childhood are raising awareness of how harmful early exposure to sexualised or violent content can be to children and young people, through uncontrolled usage of smartphone apps and access to the internet and social media.
Encouraging children to speak to you if they see something they don’t understand or that has upset them is vital. Some of the sexually aggressive and misogynistic language modelled by more well known online figures, have a huge following. Ask your average 10 year old boy if he’s heard of any of these harmful influencers, and sadly the answer is more than likely a yes. It's important that this is an open conversation and you look to encourage your child or young person to think about those issues in the most positive way, to support them to form ideas of their own that are counter to the harmful ideology being promoted.
Boys and girls see this differently
When there’s more than one child talking about these issues, and where the genders are mixed, you may find that already different viewpoints are illustrated in the questions. Girls learn early in life that the world for boys is a different one, but boys may not see or experience this unless they have a sister or close friend with those experiences.
The White Ribbon itself is a good conversation starter and there are lots of resources to use with young people to help schools and sport clubs to navigate these conversations from a young age.
As parents, we need to have these open conversations to encourage dialogue that mean our young people are able to develop important skills to critically analyse what they are hearing and seeing. With your guidance, your young person will learn how to bust stereotypes and myths, guided by principles of equality and what healthy relationships look like.
Here’s a video suitable for younger ages, explaining the significance of the White Ribbon, to help start a conversation in your home.
About Anna Fawcett
Anna has worked in communications roles for charities and public sector organisations for over 15 years. As a mother to two boys now approaching their teenage years, and as someone who has seen the power that social media can have over all of us, she's particularly interested in how as a society we need to act now to ensure that a generation of young people aren't harmed by our understanding and approaches towards the digital world.