“So, what’s White Ribbon?” A newbie’s response.
A longer read for the Easter Weekend. Seb Greenfield talks about what White Ribbon, and his partner, have shown him.
A realisation is a great thing. It’s like your world just got a little bigger. It nudges your sense of awe. Maybe you grow a little from it. Children embrace them, but as adults we often like to think we know stuff already – it’s tiresome cramming our heads with any more. However, some realisations blow our minds. I recently read about mycorrhizae – a living fungus that works symbiotically with plant roots (bear with me). It spreads out underground in vast networks, helping the host plant access food over far greater distances than the plant’s roots. It also works with the plant to protect it from attack and disease as well as store food in times of scarcity. And it links plants with each other so they can communicate, sometimes over a whole continent. How amazing is nature? Other realisations can be depressing. Staying with the nature theme, I recently read about the great Pacific garbage patch – an area the size of Spain, France and Germany combined – of floating plastic debris, much of it microscopic and ending up in fish and marine ecosystems and consequently some of our tummies. Oh, and there’s one rapidly growing in the North Atlantic too.
The first example I’m happy to learn about. The second, well, I could have happily and ashamedly remained ignorant of. Stuff that makes us feel uneasy is ripe for doing an “ostrich in the sand” job. But however grim they are, I actually do need to know about the giant Pacific and North Atlantic garbage patches, so I can think about how I contribute to them and act differently to stop doing so.
White Ribbon UK shines a light on another uneasy subject – male violence towards women. It occurs in many ways, sometimes very overtly in violent and abusive relationships. But it is also a more passive violence which occurs in very subtle ways; ways which I believe are deeply weaved into the fabric of our culture.
Picture this: my partner and I settle down to an evening film. (NB my partner is well informed about what White Ribbon is about). What film do we choose? I’ve had a challenging day. My vote is something untaxing to zone-out to. I’m thinking banal Hollywood action movie. So, my partner, being very understanding, agrees. Pretty soon into the film the tuts and sighs from her become a little too distracting. I press pause and ask if she’s OK. Her reply goes something like, “Can’t you see it?”. I say, “See what?”. She replies, “How the women are being portrayed?”. I ask for clarification. She points it out to me. Here are female characters – characters I’ve seen in a hundred different films – cast as powerless and needing men’s help, emotional and unstable, or physically weaker, or forever playing the side role to the male central role, or less intelligent (but sexy so that’s “OK”), or a good cook but clueless as to which end of the gun to hold, or not driving the car but being driven or... It’s a realisation moment. But one of those uneasy ones. I merely wanted to chill out with a stupid film, but it feels like I just unwittingly tipped a load of plastic spoons into the North Atlantic.
I ask myself, “Why didn’t I notice that stuff?”. The answer is, of course, because it’s in my culture. And it’s in deep. It’s the “norm” and it’s “acceptable”, even now in 2020. How subtle and deep does this get? Well, there’s still a huge gender pay gap and Parliament has nowhere near enough women, and more-often-than-not it’s mums who are raising children as well as holding down jobs without fair recompense or even recognition from large areas of society. But maybe these bigger issues stem from the ingrained, acceptable “norms” that many men have held without question or awareness of for, I suspect, a very, very long time. And men continue to be born into a culture where they grow up learning, consciously or unconsciously, that women are inferior to men. Little wonder then, the path to extreme violence against women becomes more readily walked by men.
With my new found realisation I initially feel uneasy. After all, I’m a man. I’m part of this problem, aren’t I? I can choose not to be. It needs some personal thought and re-programming, but the illumination and education from White Ribbon compels me to NOT be part of this problem. Quite simply, I can make the White Ribbon Promise: to never ‘commit, excuse or remain silent’ about male violence against women. And with the Promise I begin to spot ever more subtle forms of male violence towards women that I was oblivious to. Once I start unravelling, there’s even more to be discovered; ever deeper “norms” lingering within the multiple layers and patchworks of male behaviour within our society and culture. As a man, I can choose to feel empowered by this. I can share that learning with others – friends, colleagues, family and the kids, and play an active part in detoxifying these elements.
So, thanks to White Ribbon (and my partner of course!) for kickstarting a journey on which I really hope I can make a difference. My world just got bigger.
In the current Covid -19 crisis our work is as important as ever. Please consider making a donating to make sure we can continue our work to end male violence against women. We want to bring forward the development of our online resources, programmes for young people, and continue to get the message out to all men that they are part of the solution in ending the violence.